英语幽默笑话3~4偏要带翻译速度给我好不啊

英语幽默笑话3~4偏要带翻译速度给我好不啊
英语幽默笑话3~4偏
要带翻译速度给我好不啊

英语幽默笑话3~4偏要带翻译速度给我好不啊
Talking clock
会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends,a college student led the way into the den."What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked."That is the talking clock," the man replied."How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly,someone screamed from the other side of the wall,"Knock it off,you idiot!It's two o'clock in the morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓,甚是得意.“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的?”他的一个朋友问他.“那玩意儿厉害了,那是一个会说话的钟”,学生回答.“这钟怎么工作的”,他的朋友问.“看着,别眨眼了”,那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子,拼命地敲了一下,声音震耳欲聋.突然,他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫,“别敲了,你这白痴!现在是凌晨两点钟了!”
Secret For a Long Life
A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says."What's your secret for a long,happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day,drink a case of whiskey a week,eat fatty foods and never,ever exercise."
"Wow,that's amazing," says the woman."How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
长寿秘诀
一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头.
“我无意中发现,你是多么幸福,”那女士说.“你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么?”
“我每天抽三包烟,每周喝一箱威士忌,吃高脂肪食品,而且从来不曾锻炼.”
“哦,真神奇,”女士说.“你高寿?”
On his deathbed poor Lubin lies； His spouse is in despair； With frequent sobs and mutual cries； They both express their care． “A different cause,”says Parson Sly,“The same effect may give：Poor Lubin fears that he may die ； His wife,that he may live”． 合理的哀伤 马修·普赖厄 可怜的鲁宾躺在他的病床里； 他的妻子陷入绝望； 频频啜泣,相对哭啼,他们都表达着忧伤.“不同原因,”滑头牧师说,“可产生同样结果：可怜的鲁宾怕他会死； 他老婆,怕他会活.” Dear white,something you got to know亲爱的白种人,有几件事你必须知道.When I was born,I was black.当我出生时,我是黑色的When I grow up,I am black.我长大了,我是黑色的When I'm under the sun,I'm black.我在阳光下,我是黑色的When I'm cold,I'm black.我寒冷时,我是黑色的When I'm afraid,I'm black.我害怕时,我是黑色的When I'm sick,I'm black.我生病了,我是黑色的When I die,I'm still black.当我死了,我仍是黑色的.you---white people,你---白种人When you were born,you were pink.当你出生时,你是粉红色的When you grow up,you become white.你长大了,变成白色的You're red under the sun.你在阳光下,你是红色的You're blue when you're cold.你寒冷时,你是青色的You are yellow when you're afraid.你害怕时,你是黄色的You're green when you're sick.你生病时,你是绿色的You're gray when you die.当你死时,你是灰色的And you,call me "color"?而你,却叫我「有色人种」?

TOM'S EXCUSE Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow". 汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？ 汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。" DID YOUR ...

全部展开

TOM'S EXCUSE Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow". 汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？ 汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。" DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU? One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?" "No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim. 你爸爸帮你了吗？ 一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事？你爸爸帮你做了吗？" "不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。" man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can justwait for my coffee."Wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."Husband said, " I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS".一个男人和他妻子在争论应该谁每天早晨煮咖啡。妻子说，“应该你煮，因为你先起床，这样我们不用等太久，就能喝到咖啡。”丈夫说，“在家里你是负责做饭的，应该你煮，因为这是你的工作，而且我可以等我的咖啡。”妻子回答，“不，应该是你煮，而且圣经上都说了应该是男人煮咖啡。” 丈夫说，“我才不信呢，把圣经拿来给我看看。”于是妻子就去拿了圣经过来，她打开新约，给他看好几页的上边确实写着：“他煮”这是我从豌豆的书上得到的笑话小丫：叔叔，你喜欢熊猫吗？豆爸：当然，熊猫是国宝吗！小丫：那好，跟我来。小丫指着豌豆说：我已经把他打成熊猫了。这只是其中一部分，剩下的你Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告诉 (2) nest n.窝；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓励 (5) resemble v. 相似；类似 18.鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

收起

1.I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and...

全部展开

1.I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
2.The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说,“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
3.Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
4.Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”

收起

今天我正在看碟，老妈又捧了本书进来，说道：给我讲讲这几句话什么意思 老妈：这个“i don’t know.“是什么意思？ 我说：“我不知道” 老妈：送你上大学上了几年，你怎么什么都不知道！！ 我说：不是！就是“我不知道”吗！！ 老妈：还嘴硬！！！！$@％!#$^&％#$％@$％@#$％!^％^!^％$^#&..(一顿爆揍) 老妈：你在给我说说这个。“i know.“是什么意...

全部展开

今天我正在看碟，老妈又捧了本书进来，说道：给我讲讲这几句话什么意思 老妈：这个“i don’t know.“是什么意思？ 我说：“我不知道” 老妈：送你上大学上了几年，你怎么什么都不知道！！ 我说：不是！就是“我不知道”吗！！ 老妈：还嘴硬！！！！$@％!#$^&％#$％@$％@#$％!^％^!^％$^#&..(一顿爆揍) 老妈：你在给我说说这个。“i know.“是什么意思你该知道吧，给我说说。 我说：是“我知道“ 老妈：知道就快说。 我说：就是“我知道“ 老妈：找茬呀你？刚才收拾你收拾的轻了是不？ 我说：就是我知道呀！ 老妈：知道你还不说！！不懂不要装懂！&*$％^@$#!％$@^％#*$^^^##$％(又一顿爆揍) 老妈：你给我小心点，花那么多钱送你上大学，搞的现在什么都不会，会那么一丁点东西还跟老娘摆谱，再问你最后一个，你给我好好解释一下，说不出来我在收拾你，你给我翻译一下“i know but i don’t want to tell you.“是什么意思？ 我晕倒，拿起枕头往头上爆砸三十几下，用头撞墙四十多下，双手轮番抽自己嘴巴五十多下，用腿踢桌子角六十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意吧 这不她老人家又来问我了:“儿啊,i`m very annoyance,don`t tuouble me .是什么意思啊~?“ 我:“我很烦,别烦我“ 老妈:“找打,跟你妈这么说话“(于是被扁) 老妈又问;“i hear nothing,repeat. 是what意思啊“ 我说:“我没听清,再说一次“ 老妈又说了一遍:i hear nothing,repeat“ “我没听清,再说一次“ 结果被扁 老妈再问:“what do you say “又怎么解释呢“ 我说:“你说什么“(再次被扁) 老妈再问:“look up in the dictionary“是何意啊’ 我说:“查字典“ “查字典我还问你做甚“(被扁) 老妈又问:you had better ask some body.怎么翻呢“ 我说:“你最好问别人“ “你是我儿子,我问别人干吗,又找打.“ “啊!god save me !“ “上帝救救我吧!” “耍你老妈玩,上帝也救不了你!(被扁) 我再问你:“use you head,then think it over,又是什么意思啊!“ 我说:“动动脑子,再仔细想想.“ “臭小子,还敢耍我“接着又要动手 我连忙说:“是世上只有妈妈好的意思” “嗯,这还差不多,一会我给你做好吃的,明天再问你”
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”

收起