雅思作文批改,这样的小作文能得几分?我第一次写剑5,test1 writing task 1The line graph shows that how many people who are at their 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elde

雅思作文批改,这样的小作文能得几分?我第一次写剑5,test1 writing task 1The line graph shows that how many people who are at their 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elde
雅思作文批改,这样的小作文能得几分?我第一次写
剑5,test1 writing task 1
The line graph shows that how many people who are at their 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elder aged 65 will reach his peak in 2040.
According to the table,the proportion of people who are 65 year-old has a slightly decrease in USA since 1940 to 1960,while other two countries both have a gentle increase.The number of the old has no change in America between 1960 and 1980,on the contrary,in Japan an in Sweden,there happened a slowly rise in each country.The American elder are countinually become more and more since 21 century and they will be the most in 2040 among 3 countries.
However,the proportion of the population aged 65 in Sweden finally surpass that of Japan from approximately 1998 until now and will be continued to 2040 by fluctuating in his own pattern.The size of the population in Japan leveled off and is smaller than that of Sweden,but it will still climb in the future.
Overall,the number of the American aged is the least one at the beginning of 1940 and will be the most one in 2040.

雅思作文批改,这样的小作文能得几分?我第一次写剑5,test1 writing task 1The line graph shows that how many people who are at their 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elde
The line graph shows that how many people (前边改成The line graph shows the numbers of people) who are at their (their去掉) 65 in Japan,Sweden and USA from 1940 to 2040.It is clear that in three countries,the size of the elder aged 65 will reach his (his改为its) peak in 2040.
According to the table,the proportion of people who are 65 year-old (people who are 65 years old才对,而且建议改成65-year-old people,无须用定从时别用) has (变成had) a (a去掉) slightly decrease(加d) in USA since (改为from) 1940 to 1960,while (加the) other two countries both have a gentle increase.The number of the old has no change (has no change为中式表达,改为stayed the same) in America between 1960 and 1980,on the contrary,in Japan and in Sweden,there happened a slowly rise in each country (句式不对,改为：a slow rise came about).The American elder are countinually become more and more (不是人变多,而是人数变多,还有时态,改为：The number of the American elder has contiually become larger and larger) since 21 century and they will be the most (it will be the largest) in 2040 among 3 countries.
However,the proportion of the population aged 65 in Sweden finally surpass (加ed) that of Japan from approximately 1998 until now and will be continued to 2040 by fluctuating in his own pattern.The size of the population in Japan leveled off and is smaller than that of Sweden,but it will still climb in the future.(这段挺不错)
Overall,the number of the American aged is(改为was) the least (改为smallest) one at the beginning of 1940 and will be the most (largest) one in 2040.
说人数不要用people作主语,而用the number of people.另外注意时态问题.图表题最重要的是清楚.文章表达得还算清楚,但小问题较多,希改正

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第一段其实很简单，你只要把问题图提供的现成表述写下来作为开头即可，千万别出现语法错误，还有时态，比如：第二段你使用了has。..since 1940 to 1960 ,这明显就是一个时态错误，后面还有。。在小作文只要是过去发生的事情一般要用过去式。另外要用一些动词的不同表达方式，特别是增加 减少 上升 下降这些动词的不同表达方式，再有就是副词的使用要多积累一些。你这篇文章估计也就是4--4.5这个...

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第一段其实很简单，你只要把问题图提供的现成表述写下来作为开头即可，千万别出现语法错误，还有时态，比如：第二段你使用了has。..since 1940 to 1960 ,这明显就是一个时态错误，后面还有。。在小作文只要是过去发生的事情一般要用过去式。另外要用一些动词的不同表达方式，特别是增加 减少 上升 下降这些动词的不同表达方式，再有就是副词的使用要多积累一些。你这篇文章估计也就是4--4.5这个水平

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建议你直接到新东方的批改网提交一下，有外教批改，还能给你范文重写什么的，打的分也比较准
我从那改过，还不错。还有品论、修改意见什么的