求大神帮忙看看这封英文信有哪些需要修改的（是写给ETA签证官的）Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.My name is XXX.I am a tourist from China.I am planning to there at the beginning of October 2014.Now there is

求大神帮忙看看这封英文信有哪些需要修改的（是写给ETA签证官的）Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.My name is XXX.I am a tourist from China.I am planning to there at the beginning of October 2014.Now there is
求大神帮忙看看这封英文信有哪些需要修改的（是写给ETA签证官的）
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.My name is XXX.I am a tourist from China.I am planning to there at the beginning of October 2014.Now there is a impportant thing need your help to confirm.
I applied for a individual tourist ETA on the official website on 19 Aug 2014,I enterd all the information and pay the fee,but the website didn't jump to the step 4--ETA confirmation.So far i still haven't received the mail for the approal ETA and I don't konw what is my ETA number.
My dear Officers,would you please help to confirm whether my ETA is approved,and my registeration information is a follows:
XXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXX
I sincerely request that you as soon as possible,your timely verification would be highly appreciated.
your sincerely
Thanks and Best regards

求大神帮忙看看这封英文信有哪些需要修改的（是写给ETA签证官的）Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.My name is XXX.I am a tourist from China.I am planning to there at the beginning of October 2014.Now there is
（抬头呢?）称呼officer用 （Dear Officer.）
(问候语也要写下来：Good morning./ Greetings./ Hope you are having a nice day!)
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.(每个句号,逗号后要有一个空格) My name is XXX.I am a tourist from China.I am planning to (go to) there （到底是哪里要说清楚） at the beginning of October (,) 2014.Now there is a(n) impportant thing I need your help to confirm(命令般的语气,建议写成：I'm writing to inquire an confirmation of approval of my ETA).
I applied for a individual tourist ETA on the official website (要写清楚是什么site) on 19 Aug 2014,I (filled in) all the information and pa(ied) the fee,but the website didn't jump to (去掉the) step 4--ETA confirmation.So far i（大写） still haven't (receive) the mail (of) the appro(v)al (of) ETA and I don't konw what is my ETA number.
My dear Officers （officer不需要大写,而且你跟人家没什么交情就不要说的这么煽情了,My Dear 某某某一般是写给亲人的时候才有的）,（所以这里直接从这句开始 Would大写） would you please help to confirm (that) whether my ETA is approved(?) (M)y registeration information is a(s) follows:
XXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXX
I sincerely request（又是命令的语气） that you as soon as possible（整句话改成：I sincerely hope that you can send/write back to me as soon as possible) ,your timely verification would be highly appreciated.(Thank you.千万不要吝啬这最后一个感谢）
sincerely,(这里一定只能选一个词,不要太繁琐) 或者可以说 （Best,/ Best wishes,/ Sincerely要大写)
XXX (你的署名）

1.  there is a impportant thing need your help to confirm.这句话中，改为there is an important thing needing your confirm.
   

2. pay the fee改为paid the fee